he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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