I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
