She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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