Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
