I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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