I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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