First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I need to sanitize my soul.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
