listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Randomize
