if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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