I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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