Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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