It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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