I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
