I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
