The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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