Tell her she can't have a vagina
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
