I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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