i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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