Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She even gives head with a lisp.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
