seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
