I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Randomize
