I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
