The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
