I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
