How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
