If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
