I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
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