he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
