I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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