actually, I'm a sock model
North Korea, Best Korea!
I think my fart just growled at me.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
