She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
