my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Too much gin, very little bucket
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I was not drunk enough for that final.
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