If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
