My first STD was from a foam party
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
