What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
