Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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