even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
