New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
