all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
