Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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