put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
My apartment stinks of burning failure
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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