seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize