I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
