after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
