evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
