That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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