when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize