I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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