She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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