It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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