new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
