What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
