I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
