nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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