As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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