So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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