I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
