bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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