WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
