we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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