I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
