I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
