Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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