Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
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