fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
