just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize